Okay, so I watched "Cowboys and Aliens" and gave it half a star on flixster. It's just terrible. Let me explain.

I grew up with films in the '70s and '80s that exposed me to new ideas - ideas that, at the time, had never been realised on celluloid. Whether it was Harryhausen or ILM bringing the ideas to life, the ideas were new to cinema.

So, Cowboys and Aliens (C&A) - on paper it's quite promising. The reality is shockingly bad. I had lowered my expectations before seeing this movie, but I did not lower them anywhere near enough. It's just inexcusable that this movie should insult your cinema experience. It's the sort of thing I'd expect on the channels that show man-eating anaconda films peppered with octopus vs megashark. Not only that, but C&A is over two hours of Daniel Craig's tight-fitting trousers and it's just too much - especially when the only female gets drenched in water without even so much as a proud nipple. Disappointingly sexist. And proof, if any were needed after Indy IV or that cop flick he did, that Ford's career is over and he should stop embarrasing himself by "acting". He's around the same age now as Connery was in Indy III - the difference in talent is staggering. Connery gets respect, Ford just gets SMH.

So why Human Centipedes, aren't those films an outrage to the senses, part of the liberal agenda to poison young minds and - I don't know - gross them out. Well, I have to say I think the first one was treated unfairly, and the sequel more so. Certainly the first one isn't a great film, but I did think it was well made and treated the subject matter okay. Which is not to say I get a thrill from ass-to-mouth, but it did present to me something I had never seen before, that had never occured to me before. It was a "new" idea committed to film. The sequel is next on my watch list for the same reason. Despite the subject matter, it promises to have a level of intelligence and self-awareness sorely lacking in the orange-and-teal Hollywood shit of today. I don't want to lap up big-name Hollywood's shit, like I am way down the chain of the human centipede. I want to challenge myself - not by enduring boring shit like C&A - but by having ideas presented to me, wrapped in a story that might even provide a little subtext.

I'd rather be grossed out by a human centipede film than by Daniel Craig's arse, thanks.